Obama Claims War On Terror Victory

WASHINGTON D.C. – Facing the lowest popularity ratings of his presidency, President Barack Obama gave a boost to his legacy by claiming a victory in the war against terror by declaring Osama bin-Laden dead in absentia.

“It has been over seven years since a verifiable sighting of Osama bin-Laden and so I declare him dead. The Surgeon General will issue a death certificate later today. I admit, this is a legal manoeuvre usually employed by the families of missing persons to help settle estates and inheritances, but it’s equally applicable in the war against terror. This war needs to end, now. C’mon Rahm, open that bottle of champagne.”

This move is likely to meet fierce opposition from Republican, something Obama is fully prepared for.

“Sure, they might cry ‘foul’ because of the expected loss of kickbacks from contractors, but we will soon have a death certificate showing that he has definitely and properly died a death according to the legal laws of the land. Then the media will stop talking about him and start talking about me in good light.”

Spiritual Guru And Self Help Author Teepak Thopra’s Tips For Letting Go Of Your Fears, Money

NEW YORK – World renowned best selling author, doctor and celebrity guru Teepak Thopra kicked off his new tour at the Times Center last night by reiterating his pledge to help people find peace and lose their hard earned money.

During his motivational speech, he announced that by paying just $1000 per session, a person could learn enlightening new ways to live life free of worry and anxiety.

He also said that if time was a constraint, his techniques on how to achieve serenity, world peace and debt could be learnt about in his new $50 book ‘The Laws of Spirituality and World Peace.‘

In his book, Thopra makes constant reference to his self help DVD, and strongly advises the reader to go out and purchase it for another$40.

“You needn’t suffer from guilt or anxiety anymore,” he said. “Just pick up the phone and make an appointment with my secretary today. Phone charges of $5 per call will apply.”

Protest Against Feminism

NEW DELHI – Rohit Lal is a bitter man. He feels women have it all and so is on a mission to discredit what passes for feminism these days.

When asked, this is what he had to say, “Women have a socially acceptable outlet and a political movement called ‘feminism’ in which to express their displeasure with the wage gap, the glass ceiling, and the various sacrifices they must make in order to have a family and succeed at work. Men have nowhere to turn when they must suffer the emotional toll taken out on them by the unexpected focus on their career. My girlfriend broke up with me when I decided to focus on my career by working 80 hours a week. Who do I turn to for some emotional support when I have time? It’s not fair, just not fair.”

But Mr. Lal, men do have somewhere to turn when they feel that they are unfairly expected to sacrifice all in pursuit of a career: feminism.

Figure Skater Halts Performance After His Mother’s Sobbing Drowns Music

VANCOUVER – American figure skater Evan Lysacek was in position for a gold medal as he came towards the end of his stunning short programme performance, when he had to stop suddenly as his mother’s howls were drowning out the music he was skating to.

Wearing a black, skin tight leotard decorated with ruffles and sequins, Lysacek was performing to a recording of “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor when his mother started wailing, “Why? Oh God, why? What did we do wrong? How could you do this? My son, my only son.” (howl) (howl)

A Gift From God

PORT-AU-PRINCE – Scores of ailing Americans are landing in Haiti illegally, seeking free life-saving medical treatment – something that is unavailable to them in the US – from the best doctors and nurses in the world.

CPA Adam Moses, one of the illegals, was under the impression that he was covered by a health insurance policy provided through his employer, TwC. When he was diagnosed with lung cancer last July, his insurance provider sent him a letter denying coverage, calling the disease “too expensive to handle”.

“The devastating earthquake that rocked Haiti was a ‘gift from God’ for me. I knew I would die in a few months without proper medical care and a lung transplant, but I lacked the financial resources to get treatment on my own. With the earthquake, things have finally started looking up. Not only will I get the best medical care for free, but I will be able to choose the lung I want because of the high supply. God is truly looking out for me.”

Toyota’s New Slogan: “If You Want Gold, Drive A Toyota.”

TOKYO – Hoping to reverse the adverse publicity it has received in the past few weeks, Toyota announced that it would be sponsoring all the bobsled and luge teams in the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. They also unveiled their new slogan: “If You Want Gold, Drive A Toyota.”

Company spokesman Hikaru Tanada said that they had zeroed in on the new slogan after considering others like “Take Your Toyota To Your Grave’ and ‘Toyota: The Car You Can Drive Even In Your Afterlife’, as Toyotas were similar to bobsleds and luges – they all accelerate to 200 km/hr in 0.5 seconds and pedals are of no use in any of them.

Some People Are More Precious Than Others

NEW DELHI: DNU accessed the bio-safety data submitted by Mahyco to GEAC and found certain sections to be erroneous. The section on protein estimation in cooked brinjal says that uncooked non BT brinjal also tested positive for BT protein. How could this be possible unless the data was manipulated – a cut and paste job?

When contacted and confronted with the claim, a senior member of the GEAC said calmly, “After checking the said section, we found that there was a typographical error which we failed to catch. Such things happen. After all we are human beings and things do slip by at times.”

The reporter received an angry reply from the member when asked if he would treat a typographical error in his son’s blood group report based on which a transfusion took place as calmly.  “How can you even suggest such a thing? My God! The two situations are not the same. It’s like comparing apples to oranges. I would sue the crap out of the hospital, doctors and technicians concerned if such a thing happened to a member of my family. They can’t afford to be so careless when lives are at stake.”

US National Detained At Delhi Airport While LeT Top Operative Boards Flight

NEW DELHI: An American national was detained at the Indira Gandhi International airport in New Delhi last night minutes before he was to board a Doha bound flight.

“Mr. Burt Haskell converted to Islam from Christianity 40 years ago. David Headley, arrested in Chicago last October for allegedly plotting terror strikes in India, was also a convert. There was too much of a coincidence, and so to be on the safe side, we had no other choice but to detain him,” said a security officer.

The Michigan resident had arrived in India for the first time a fortnight ago on a tourist visa and travelled to various parts of the national capital including the Jamma Masjid.

DNU has learnt from reliable sources that while immigration and security officials were busy with Mr.Haskell, Mohammad Abbas, an LeT operative who is on the ‘most wanted’ list of the CBI for his role in the Mumbai terror attacks ,boarded an Emirates flight for Dubai with ease.

Govt. To Make Chauvinistic Statement Distinct Offence

NEW DELHI: Rattled by the spate of chauvinistic statements and threats originating in Maharashtra against a leading Muslim Bollywood actor, the UPA government is preparing a legislative route to amend Indian Penal Code (IPC) and provide a deterrent punishment against regional parties which order bans, harassment and property destruction against their voter base .

“We are seriously considering amending Indian Penal Code to make chauvinistic statements a separate and distinct offence and provide deterrent punishment,” a top home ministry source told DNU.

The preparation to draft a bill to amend IPC to make chauvinistic statements distinct from ordinary statements by widening its definition under Section 3002 gained speed after the attorney general recently gave an opinion answering in the affirmative the home ministry’s query `whether legislative intervention was necessary to make chauvinistic statements against Congress supporters a specific offence’.

According to the principles followed by family-run Marathi Hindu parties, there can be no statements made against Marathis or Hindus or supporting Muslims or the Congress party in a democracy even though freedom of speech is an integral part of the Indian Constitution.

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